


Love Hurts, But Sometimes It's A Good Hurt

by orphan_account



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 17:00:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9334379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He hasn’t gotten proper sleep for the last–he rockets up, opening his eyes in horror. He doesn’t remember the last time Even slept over. He licks his lips and gets his phone out, unlocking it too quickly, struggling with his code, and opens his messages. He knows it’s going to hurt, seeing his last messages sent to Even without getting any response, but he has to know when Even last spent the night with him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello these two won't let me live and after reading a prompt on tumblr (i don't remember where and who posted it....) "i know we broke up but i just can't sleep can we please nap together" this is what it turned into
> 
> thank you to nikki for beta reading

His bed felt empty without Even in it, and Even’s smell slowly faded. Most of their time spent together had been in the kollektivet, at least at night, and– after Even left, he was holding onto that blue pillow like he was holding onto his life. Not that his life was anything to hold onto at the moment.

Eskild peeks through the door. “Can I–” he begins and Isak rolls his eyes, shaking his head.

“No. You could leave me alone and stop asking me if you can do anything, because there’s nothing anyone can do. So please just shut the fuck up.”

Eskild bites his lip, trying to hold back some snarky comment, and closes the door a little bit louder than necessary. 

Isak takes a look at his phone, just to see–nothing, apparently. He sighs, a little too dramatic, a little too hurt, and turns around in his bed, pressing that blue pillow against his chest and breathing in the last bit of Even it still harbors. 

He hasn’t gotten proper sleep for the last–he rockets up, opening his eyes in horror. He doesn’t remember the last time Even slept over. He licks his lips and gets his phone out, unlocking it too quickly, struggling with his code, and opens his messages. He knows it’s going to hurt, seeing his last messages sent to Even without getting any response, but he has to know when Even last spent the night with him.

Two weeks ago. His hands are trembling and he isfighting the urge to call Even; he just really, really needs to hear his voice. He looks at his phone — his background is still Even and him — and locks it again. It’s 21:21.

He takes a deep breath and stands up, not thinking properly. He takes just his phone, his jacket and his shoes, and he leaves. He ignores Eskild’s worried look and Noora’s frown. He puts his phone into his pocket, zipping his jacket shut. It’s a cold night and Even lives a few blocks away.

He arrives pantingly, trying to catch his breath, and rings the bell hesitantly. It’s Even’s mom who opens the door and Isak just fumbles around with his arms. The tears keep streaming down his face–he didn’t even realize he had started crying while walking–and he pushes Even’s mother aside gently, murmuring, “Sorry, I just–” He knocks at Even’s door, opening it warily.

“Please don’t send me away,” Isak whispers as Even spots him. He licks his lip _again_ and he lowers his gaze, looking at his feet. “I know you–I–It’s–” Isak stutters, and Even stops drawing and gets up from his desk. When he stands so close, Isak can finally breathe again.

“I can’t sleep. I–” Isak’s taking another breath, another deep one, like he’s breathing in all of Even’s scent for the next century, so he will never be without it. “I know you–we broke up but I haven’t gotten–I’m not sleeping well. Can we please just–just one last night? I swear I’ll be gone in the morning.”

Even sighs and lets his hand slip to Isak’s waist, the other cupping Isak’s left cheek, simply caressing it. “Yeah, sure. Why not?” He whispers and guides Isak to the ladder, making him climb up. “I’m just gonna–just gonna go brush my teeth.”

Isak cuddles himself deep into Even’s bedsheet and lets out a quiet sob. He feels the mattress sinking down and then a warm body next to his own. “Sorry it took a while,” Even whispers. Isak doesn’t say anything, but cuddles himself against Even’s chest. “I’m sorry I’m causing you trouble,” Isak mumbles and he feels Even’s hand on his back, gently stroking his spine up and down.

“Don’t worry,” Even hums, his fingers still trailing over Isak’s back. And without it taking much more, Isak finally falls into a deep sleep. “I’m the one always causing trouble,” Even continues, but Isak doesn’t hear it.

 

***

 

Isak wakes up at the crack of dawn. He looks to his right just to see Even peacefully sleeping. He tries to get up quietly, which isn’t really easy in a high bed. “Stay,” Even whispers and Isak gulps.

“I–I promised you I’d go.” Isak sits down properly again, covering himself with a part of Even’s bedsheet. “I really should go.”

Even sits up and looks at him, looks him straight in the eye. Isak’s heart keeps beating, fast and loud, and Even must hear it. His stomach knots itself at the look Even gives him and–

Even lets out a huffed breath and sinks his lips onto Isak’s. Isak holds his breath. This _shouldn’t happen_ , this should not happ–he’s really kissing him. Isak clings onto Even’s neck hair. Even’s lip asks for entrance and Isak opens his mouth shyly. “No,” he whimpers. “This can’t happen.” 

He pushes Even away from him, jumping down from the bed quickly. “This really–this really was a stupid idea. I’m sorry. I know I have to let go. Thanks for letting me stay the night.” Isak gathers his clothes off the floor and–

“I really should go,” Isak whispers, suddenly feeling Even’s breath nears his neck. He didn’t even realize Even climbed down his bed. “I really– Even!”

Even winces a little. “You said I should leave, remember?” Isak’s voice trembles. “You said I should quote Fuck off, I don’t need you unquote, and I left you alone, hoping you only meant it that day, but you didn’t, obviously, since you never replied to any of my texts.”

Even’s eyes look around the room, trying to fixate on something other than Isak. “You’re right, you should go.”

“I’m sorry you had to deal with me. I’m sorry I made you miserable.” Isak finishes dressing and leaves, leaving Even alone in his room that smelled like Isak so much.

“I’m sorry I did. That’s the reason I left,” Even whispers in his empty room and breaks down on the floor.

He sobbed for a little while, until his mother knocked against his door and quietly entered the room.

“What happened?” she asks in the most innocent way possible, and Even continues sobbing, trying to tell her what happened, but–he couldn’t even tell her why exactly _all of it_ happened.

“I saw Isak sneak out and, to be fair, he didn’t look so good,” his mother says, helping Even off the floor and tugging him into a hug. “Not that you look any better.”

Even croaks and looks down to his mother. His heart is beating twice as fast as it normally does. “I–I just broke up with him because I thought it’d be better for _him_ and I just–I said what I said because I wanted to make it easier for him to...to hate me.”

“And you never _asked_ him?”

“N–No. He is better off without me,” Even bites his lower lip.

“Even. Do you really, truly believe that? Have you _seen_ him? Does someone who is better off without you look as broken as Isak does?” She shakes her head. “Seriously, Even. Just talk to him. I’m sure you guys can work this out.”

“But mom,” Even objects, “I told him I don’t _need_ him. I specifically told him to _Fuck off_ , mom. He hates me, I’m sure.”

“He slept over, because, I’m guessing, he doesn’t sleep well, which, I’m guessing, is because his bed is not _his bed_ anymore, without you in it.” She sighs, stroking Even’s hair out of his face. “Honey, really. He loves you and you love him. And just because you happen to be bipolar, you’re not destined to never have a healthy, loving relationship. And you had that with Isak. Don’t just throw that away because you may seem like a hard choice. Isak never seemed to mind that.” His mother strokes his hair absentmindedly. “Besides, you’re not a hard choice.”

Even smiles a little, his heart feeling a little lighter already. His mother lets him out of her embrace and kisses his hair. “Just talk to him, okay? And–if you don’t think you’ll find the courage to come up with a face-to-face, write him a letter.”

Even nods. Writing a letter sounds good, better than a real-life talk actually. “Thanks, mom. You’re awesome.”

“I know. That’s why you are, too. I’ll bring you water and some cookies,” she smiles and points to Even’s desk. “Now hush, sit down at your desk and write something.”

 

***

 

Isak breaks down on the floor the second he opens his door and he wonders how exactly he managed to get back to the flat, and to his room, without it happening on the way. He sobs, and cries, and screams; he starts to lose his breath and he continues to scream, and– “Isak!” 

Noora kneels down next to him, Isak still sobbing uncontrollably. Noora doesn’t know what to do, so she gets some water and splashes it onto his face. “Thanks, but I’m not thirsty,” Isak gasps and looks at her.

“You need to breathe, idiot!” Noora grouses.

Isak continues to sob uncontrollably, and Noora takes his hands into her own, not really knowing what to do. “Isak, can you please try and focus on me?” Isak looks up again. “Okay great, that’s great. We’re gonna count to 10 now, okay? Does that sound good? Yeah, it does right? Okay, 1–”

Isak takes a deep breath and starts counting and as he reaches ten, his breathing finally normalizes. “Thanks,” he whispers.

“Never do that to me again.” Noora stands up and holds out her hand for Isak to take it and help him up. “I mean it. Never again.”

Isak sighs. “I’m sorry.”

She nods. “You smell like Even,” she observes and Isak widens his eyes. “That the reason for your breakdown?”

Isak nods. “I couldn’t sleep, so I spent the night.”

Noora sighs and guides him to the living room. “Sit down,” she demands and Isak does as told.

“Are you sure it’s like–over over?”

“Umm–pretty sure, yeah. I mean, he threw me out this morning, making it very clear that I shouldn’t have come, or that I should just leave and–he doesn’t need me.” Isak shrugs his shoulders. He hates talking about feelings. The only person that ever kind of got something out of him was Even, and he’s the reason for his misery. “You know what, whatever. It doesn’t matter. I’ll just–” Isak stands up again and shoots a small smile at Noora.

“Thanks again. For both those things. Don’t tell Eskild, please. I can’t stand his love advice now.”

Noora just nods.

Isak goes back to his room, quietly closing the door, just to almost break down again. He wouldn’t, he says to himself over and over again.

He pulls out his phone from his jacket and takes a short look. Nothing. He decides to text Jonas, asking him if he just wanted to grab a burger or a kebab.

Then he waits.

“Isak, it’s for you!” Noora shouts and Isak gets up, puts on his shoes and jackets, and goes to the front door.

“Oh,” he whispers as he sees Even and takes a step back.

Even looks sad. It’s a first though, in those two weeks, that Even looks sad. Isak thought it didn’t matter to him. “I’m… I see that I’m kind of coming at an inconvenient time and I actually just wanted to give you this and–yeah… just read it, okay?”

Isak nods and takes the letter and stuffs it in his jacket. (Gently. It doesn’t get any creases.) “I will.” Then Jonas appears and Isak lets his head fall. They couldn’t have picked a better time to arrive. No, they just _had_ to be there at the same time.

Jonas shoots Even a glare and Isak sighs. “Jonas, chill. It’s all good. Even’s gonna go, we’re gonna go grab a kebab and you especially do not have to get violent against my boyfriend,” he mutters and only realizes that he’s talking in present tense. _Boyfriend_.

He isn’t his boyfriend anymore. “Ex-boyfriend.”

“I should just smash him.” Jonas grits his teeth and Even takes a step back.

“I’ll leave. Bye, Isak.”

Isak sighs. That wasn’t the goodbye he wished for. “Thanks, idiot,” he grouts and Jonas shrugs his shoulders.

“Someone should put him in his place. It’s obvious that you’re not doing it, and Noora here, isn’t either.”

Noora rolls his eyes. “You’re jumping to conclusions, Jonas. He just gave–” Isak shakes his head almost unremarkably, but Noora seems to notice. “He just gave back his key.”

Isak lets out a relieved sigh. Still not the lie he would’ve been going for, but always better than the truth.

Isak lets the door fall in lock and follows Jonas quietly, burying his hand in his pocket, clutching onto Even’s letter.

“Did you seriously just threaten to smash my ex-boyfriend?” Isak asks after they walked next to each other quietly for a while. Jonas shrugs his shoulders, as if it was totally normal.

“He broke your heart, dude.”

Isak frowns. “But still, that’s no reason to like–get violent, man. Relationships end. That’s life. I didn’t smash Eva or you after you broke up.”

“But still, I hate seeing you hurt so much.”

Isak licks his lip. “I’m better.” He doesn’t mention that he spent the night at Even’s, or that he had a physical breakdown only two hours ago, or that his heart still hurts at the sight of Even’s face, or at the smell of Even’s scent, or that he can still retell every single detail of their last day together.

“Really, I am,” he forces a smile, and when Jonas nods affirmative, he knows he _really_ is a great liar apparently. To everyone but Even. “Let’s grab some kebab? Or pizza? McDonald’s?”

“Kebab sounds best.”

They decide to sit down and eat their kebab inside the restaurant, just because it’s freezing cold outside. “Are you still in love with him?” Jonas asks after a while and Isak looks up startled.

“Of course I am,” he answers, as if it's really just obvious. “He’s my first real relationship, I don't count that thing with Sara, and–I love him.” He takes a shaky breath. “And I just hope that maybe in the back of his mind, he didn't end things because he didn't love me, or needed me, but because he was scared to– commit again. And maybe he was scared it’s going to be too much for me. I don’t know,” Isak clutches the letter in his pocket again. “I don't know. We haven't talked about it.”

Isak pokes around in his kebab, waiting for Jonas to catch on and say something, but he doesn't. “Tell me something, who’s that chick I saw you hanging out with more than once?”

Jonas blushes, and Isak smiles; it’s a genuine one, one he really means, finally letting some small moments make him feel _okay_ again. “That’s Isa, she’s a 1st year.”

Isak nods. “She’s really beautiful.” Jonas rolls his eyes because Isak says that about _every girl_.

They talk about everything and nothing, really, because Jonas notices how Isak starts to laugh again, every now and then, when he mentions something stupid Magnus did, for example.

They walk back to Isak’s flat in silence, only snow crunching underneath their shoes. Isak’s heart starts beating a little too fast the closer they come to his place. He really just wants to read that letter. He forgot about it for awhile, because Jonas talking about hooking up and their weekend activities had distracted him, but now Even was back on his mind again.

He opens the door quietly, doffs off his shoes and his jacket, and takes a deep breath. He isn’t sure if he is ready to read Even’s letter. He gets his phone out of his jacket and takes a short look. Only Jonas telling him that he arrived at home safely. Isak sighs, and as if that was Eskild’s cue, he comes out of his room and looks at Isak intensely.

“Are you seriously going to be like that now, all the time, Eskild?” Isak coughs and shakes his head. “Just… back off, okay?”

Eskild shrugs his shoulders. “No guru advice then. Guru just goes to the kitchen.”

Isak laughs, just a little, because he could say the meanest things and Eskild would only be angry for like, some time and then they’d be okay again. “Sorry,” he shouts after him.

He walks into his room, letter in one hand, phone in the other, and his heart starts pounding so fast.

 

***

 

Even spent the days checking his phone more often than necessary. He was just waiting for Isak to finally say _something_.

It’s been three days already.

They saw each other at school, just saying short “hello’s”, which was good, right? Isak was still greeting him back.

He looks at Isak and his group of friends, Mahdi and Magnus in an intense discussion Isak has long zoned out of. Even takes his gaze back to his own group of friends and tries to get a hold of their conversation.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, soft and warm, the same way Isak’s hand had felt on his body, and turns around. “I have a free period now, can you talk?”

Even nods, licking his lip. He desperately follows Isak to their bench, his heart pounding out of the ordinary, his hands and knees trembling.

“I read your letter.”

Even nods again, because he’s not sure what Isak expects. He was good at reading Isak, which– to be fair– wasn’t a master skill, but Isak’s face remained stone cold.

“It was–nice.”

Even gulps audibly, his heart skipping a beat or two, still heavily pounding against his chest. “Nice?” Even whispers, hurt.

“Even–” There’s desperation in Isak’s voice, clearly. Love, as always. And it’s that sort of voice Isak always has when he doesn’t know how to articulate his feelings, his thoughts, when he’s trapped in his own mind, with those infinite universes.

“Please, just tell me.”

Isak takes a shaky breath and scoots a little closer to Even, their knees touching. “I think I understand you a little better now,” he mumbles and grabs Even’s hand, intertwining their fingers with each other.

“This feels nice,” he whispers after a while. “As if nothing’s changed, right?”

Even’s eyes widen.

“Nothing’s changed, right?” he repeats and Even nods. “You still love me?”

And it’s just as if he’s reassuring those words in his letter, this jumbled mess of letters that adds up to words, to a sentence, to a mess that he ended with _I love you’_ s. A lot of I love you’s.

“More than anything,” Even whispers and licks his lip when he turns his head towards Isak and looks him in the eyes. In these beautiful eyes.

“Then never,” Isak pokes a finger against Even’s chest, “ever,” another poke, “break up with me again because you think it’s better for _me_ and because you think you’re a _hard choice_!”

Isak grasps his hand into Even’s hair and pulls him into a kiss, a tender, soft kiss.

It doesn’t equal the heartbreak he felt, not at all. But Even is here, by his side, holding his hand, reciprocating his kiss, his feelings and–

Alt er ok.

 

**Fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah i hope you liked it??? leave me kudos or comments they're very highly appreciated :))))) find me on [tumblr](http://softestisak.tumblr.com) if you ever want to chat about them i'm like,,,,literally beaming to talk about them


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